Recently, I watched the movie Cabrini in theaters. I was quite impressed with it as a whole, and I highly recommend everyone to see it. 

But what struck the most about the movie was not the slight "feminist" overtones or the perceived lack of faith elements that most people point out. 

It was how Mother Cabrini carried the cross of chronic illness.  One line in particular struck me hard:

"We can serve our weakness, or we can serve our purpose. We cannot do both." ~ Cabrini

While this could be dismissed as a sort of parallel to the "cannot serve two masters" proverb from Holy Scripture, when shared in the light of chronic illness, it takes in a whole new meaning. 

I am no stranger to chronic illness or pain. Migraines, tensions headaches, nausea, pelvic pain, and shoulder/rib pain have been my companions for nearly ten years now. Sometimes the pain flares are so bad that it's hard to function. I now require a surgery, which will hopefully give me a diagnosis and relief for some of the pain. 

It gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "I'm tired."

When we struggle with chronic illness -whether it be physical or mental - burnout is not only common, but can be very painful. We self-isolate and struggle on our own because we don't want to inflict that pain on others. 

Lately, I have been rather annoyed with people who tell us to be generous with God and neighbor. And yes, that's a symptom of my own selfishness. I feel as though I have nothing to give because I've given so much away these last five years and received less than I thought due (yet, the Lord is more than generous with me!)

When faced with this, the world tells us to rest, to take care of ourselves. 

But this is not what Mother Cabrini does. 

In the movie, Mother Cabrini is seen pursuing children that she wishes to being to her orphanage. She has a tuberculosis flare, which leaves her struggling to breathe. These flares continue to pop up through the course of the movie, threatening to destroy her. 

Yet, she does not stop. 

This doesn't mean that she doesn't go slow on occasion, or actively avoids medical attention. Nor is she afraid of delegating tasks. She's also wise enough to keep preparing her sisters for her eventual death, by encouraging leadership among themselves. 

The important thing is that she does not stop.

Because of the flares, there is a theme among wiser folks - doctors, superiors, etc. - always advising Mother Cabrini to cut back, to rest, to "stay where you are." 

Yet in a conversation with Vittoria at the well, Mother Cabrini gives this startling quote. 

"When I rest, that's when the dying begins" ~ Cabrini

This line was proven later when Cabrini comes back from a meeting with the Italian Senate, and she tells her sisters she needs to rest. Immediately afterwards, Mother Cabrini's health and mental well-being reaches a low point. But she is pushed by Vittoria to pick up the cross again, reminded of how strong she truly is. 

Ironically, I related to this in my own life. When I decided to cut back on my activities this past year, my physical health had a minor improvement. But my mental health didn't fare as well. My writing suffered a similar fate. But surrounding myself with a strong active community, both in the writing and in my personal life, has pushed me to want to be more active. And I'm extremely grateful for that. 

I want to stress that this is not a condemnation of rest in general. No human can keep a sustained amount of energy without being replenished. 

What I condemn, however, is sloth. 

The attitude of "I can't fast because it makes me weak."

The attitude of "I can't exercise because it hurts too much."

The attitude of "I can't wake up on time, my body doesn't cooperate". 

I got news for you. It will never cooperate. It's flesh, it has desires of it's own. You - your inner soul - will need to triumph over that. 

Your body actually reserves 60% of it's energy sources during exercise. It's a survival mechanism. Your body can be stretched much more than you think it can. But YOU need to make that decision to take control. Your will needs to be on top, rather than your body. 

Watching Mother Cabrini stare at the mirror, drawing up strength to fulfill the day's tasks is not just a relatable thing. It's a source of inspiration. Her chronic illness was her cross, and our chronic illnesses are ours. 

Do not stop fulfilling your purpose...even if you fall under the weight of your cross for a moment. Pick it up again, and follow Christ. 

God bless, 

Catherine Hawthorn